Pre-Funeral musings
Scribing at 8:34 a.m. on 2005-04-27
I know I haven't been around for a while. Sorry, folks.
Lots of stuff has been happening, and you're probably fortunate to have missed most of it.
The thing on my mind this morning, though, is my family.
My aunt passed away Saturday morning. My cousin called to let me know early Saturday afternoon. I haven't talked to my sister, so I have no idea if she knows (if my cousin managed to reach her too) or what. Haven't talked to her in a couple of years, and certainly don't expect to see her.
Just some pre-funeral musings here, you can skip it if you want to. I won't be offended, promise.
There actually was quite a bit of musing, but I'll try to trim it for brevity's sake.
I was really torn about suiting up and heading out for this funeral. Now, I'm not just a heartless prick, really, there's a whole ton of family history that you guys don't know. And I won't put you through all the retelling, either; hence proving my non-prickishness, I think.
In a nutshell, my family isn't what you'd call 'close'. Well, except for the 15 minutes that surrounds the in-family funerals, of course, during which time we act like we see each other every day, and this grief is insurmountable. There is the possibility, for example, that my cousin (who I literally haven't seen since I was .. what? Five years old?) will be there, which I am kinda looking forward to; and my uncle (whom I truly do love beyond all reason) will be there, and will probably (potentially? Might?) notice if I do not show up. He and a couple of my other cousins showed up for my mom's funeral lo those many years ago, so I kinda owe this to him, karmically.
Most of the family that I knew is dead now. They're expecting, from what one of my cousins told me, a buttload of people, but I cannot imagine where they're coming from family-wise. I know my aunt had an incredibly large amount of friends so there will undoubtedly be lots of old women there. Which is sometimes fun.
But as for my extended family .. cousins, cousins' kids, etc etc .. I don't know them, and I am not particularly wracked by the necessity of seeing them.
Odd, when I think about family in any protracted way and how important it is to me; how much I wish (like everyone else, I'm sure) that my family were closer. Now, given the opportunity to congregate with them and .. what? Bond? I am left nonplussed.
Back when I was younger, it truly mattered to me. I felt the lack of 'family' like a tangible thing; and promised myself that when I was old enough to build a family of my own nothing would take precedence over that. But the years that spread out between then and now; the lack of 'family' during crises, hospitalization, joy, celebration, etc. has left me feeling vaguely disinterested.
I've been operating under the 'chosen family' umbrella for quite a number of years now. How can I be left so emotionally vague about my own blood relatives?
I loved my aunt, don't get me wrong. But we were absolutely seperated by literally decades of not being in contact or seeing each other at all between the time my mother passed away when I was a kid till two years ago, when my wife (bless her heart) literally forced me to reaquaint myself with my aunt & uncle once I'd gotten out of the hospital. I found my aunt a very different person than when I knew her before; much more relaxed, much more accepting, much .. well, funnier. She'd relaxed a lot. She loved my wife, as did my uncle; and she was the first partner of mine that I could recall them reaching out and actually hugging/kissing. (Shy of the woman I was dating when my mom died; my uncle did come out for a visit and terrorized my girlfriend with tales of how he made sausage when he was a kid until she nearly passed out from shock and disgust. There are some food preparations that no one really wants to know.)
I know there shouldn't be a big debate about whether to attend or not. It's only a two-hour drive, and it could be interesting. And I do, as I said, love my uncle beyond all reason .. so I should go if only to give him a hug and let him know I love him if for no other reason.
We always say we go to funerals to 'show our respect'. I did respect my aunt, once I got to know her after .. well, I don't know. After she mellowed out. And I do respect my uncle. And I suppose that, and telling my uncle I love him, are important enough reasons to go.
So I'm sitting here in my suit, waiting for the wife unit to get out of the shower and dressed, and then we'll drive the two hours back down to Detroit for this funeral.
I didn't/don't want to go. I'm not looking forward to this. It is, in some ways, more and less emotional than it 'should' be.
Life is really, really strange.
